Inmates love their sweets (the trim responding to that name AND the foodstuffs), and trade ramen by the fistfuls for the homemade type crafting a vast cottage industry. Wishing I could sling you pics of the beautiful presentations my colleagues whip up in these microwave common areas, they are restaurant quality stunning besides dope-licious.

     Recently I stockpiled the containers from fake Hostess Cupcakes and used them as molds for "Battycakes", a modified version of this recipe for a delicious, quick and cheap pie thatll impress the living hell out of your peers with the bonus you get bragging rights that it's "prison", making you Queen Shit of Turd Island interesting, upstaging that one asshole at the dinner party you've been dying to (I'm here for you, Honey - fuck 'em up).

     Begin by separating the sandwich part of the cookies from the cream centers, placing each in different bowls. Put the cookie shells into a bag, crushing them until there are some pea-sized pieces, but the majority is dust. Add syrup to the debris, stirring until coated but not soupy. Flatten the mixture onto a pie pan, forming an even crust. Spread the salt evenly throughout. Microwave for 1 minute, then place aside.

     Insert jar of peanut butter without lid into your microwave for :45 seconds, stir, and keep nuking for additional :10 intervals until its a hot liquid consistency. Pour over cookie centers, add cream cheese, sweeteners, creamer and pour soda into the lid from your peanut butter jar, filling it halfway and add that to the mix too. Stir thoroughly and add to crust. TIP: Customization can happen here. Add those Yoo-Hoo bars, they melt divinely. Chocolate syrup all day long, strawberry drink mix, you do you - personalize your pie!

     Chill the pie until thoroughly cold, then crush your candies to decorate. The M&Ms, Chic-O-Sticks, and more robust stuff makes for more attractive presentation. Chocolate syrup, which I've already name-dropped, looks groovy too.

     Cut that showstopper into eight even pieces, then push up on the people you fuck with having the fullest lockers or best yard credit. "I got you" don't mean shit, but you know that, 'coz you ain't fish, Homie...